3 Commentscomplex ptsd, complex trauma, cptsd, daughter of a narcissistic mother, malignant narcissist, narcissistic family, narcissistic sibling, narcissistic sister, triangulation

The memories I have of my early childhood are very few and far between.

All I have are my gut feelings.

I’ve learned to trust those.

You may call it your instincts or your intuition, but it’s all the same.

I was alway afraid of my 2nd eldest sister. She was 8 when I was born. I consider her to be a malignant narcissist.

I adored my eldest sister, and all the others, but her, I was afraid of her. Like, really afraid.

I have a very clear memory of when she was a teenager and she had her friends over to the house. I was probably between 8 and 10 years old. They passed by me to go to her room and they all sneered at me and gave me scary looks. One of them gave me the middle finger. I just remember feeling really scared. I’m not sure what I did after that. I probably took off outside or went to my room to hide.

I have another memory of a time when my dad was at work and my mom went somewhere. All of us kids were left at home and I believe she was the oldest one there. If my memory serves me, she was supposed to do the dishes, but she was trying to get me to do them. All I remember is saying I didn’t have to do it, and the next thing I’m being assaulted by her and I’m on the ground. She kicked me in the back. I just remember not being able to move and crying hysterically while the golden child sister helped me and screamed at the malignant narc sister.

I believe she used to hurt me when I was a baby and toddler and that is why I am afraid of her, but can’t verbalize exactly why.

I believe she would hurt me, then make up some excuse to quiet my narc mom by saying I was probably hungry, needed changing, etc.

This is one of those things where I don’t have any actual memories of her hurting me when I was an infant, but I just know she did, which is why I was so afraid of her.

A little pinch here. A poke there. Pull of the hair. All while pretending to hold me and help out narc mom. The older siblings were counted on to look after the younger siblings a lot in my household. I have found photographic proof of this with my siblings looking after me and our younger brother, and then me looking after my younger brother when I was old enough.

To add to this there is the story of how she dropped the scapegoat sister on her head when she was a baby. I can’t help but wonder how that went down, and if it was even an accident.

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In our adult lives, she took every opportunity to shock and confuse me. I always came away from interactions with her feeling confused and wondering what the hell just happened. She would give under handed compliments that you couldn’t quite tell if it was a compliment or an insult. I think she lived for the look of bewilderment in her victims’ eyes. That look of hurt confusion.

This is the sister that is now part of the in crowd with my narc mom and golden child sister. She is in my former spot, so to speak. The toxic trio.

I speak about it like that now, but I did not consciously know the dynamic before I woke up. I actually thought we were a loving family and everybody loved one another. As adults, I really tried to get along with this sister. But then, I was the one that tried to get along with everybody.

I remember when the golden child gave me “the word” about the malignant narc sister. She told me “she’s different now, and I think that she’s changed”. What she really meant was she found a use for her and she liked how she was kissing her ass.

I could go on, and I will write more about this sister at another time. I wanted to acknowledge this while it is at the forefront of my mind.

Something we need to realize if we grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent is that we were most likely triangulated with our siblings, and we will have trauma from the narcissistic siblings to deal with, on top of the trauma from having a narcissistic parent.

Please let me know in the comments if you can relate to my story about my narcissistic sibling, and if you think you may have trauma from your narcissistic sibling as well.

~ Poking Holes

3 comments

  1. Nadya Irsalina

    Reply

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Just keep in mind that people will change. Maybe not in the near future, but they will. I hope as time goes by they will change their behavior. I hope you’re always doing fine. ♡
    Cheers,
    Nadya

  2. J.S.

    Reply

    I can completely relate. Although I believe I transitioned over the years and played all the rolls only to eventually land into being the permanent scapegoat after a sibling died. They had been the lost child and peacemaker. With their death along with the flashbacks of sexual abuse I had pushed from my psyche only to be assaulted by again once they began to surface, I began speaking only truth and no longer “playing along” because the rage I had suppressed wouldnt allow it any longer. SO, I became the permanent scapegoat or black sheep. I recently visited and stayed 4 days in my childhood home and it took me 3 long weeks of depression and disassociation before I even resembled the person who had gone for a visit on day 1. From the moment I woke, it was a constant bombardment of hate, criticism and guilt-tripping. I had to force myself to find the will to leave after 3 days isolating without even having the will to bathe myself, confining myself to my childhood bedroom attempting to isolate while being hated and shamed for even that. My living sibling thinks I am living in self pity -easy to say when you didn’t experience 5 years of being a prop or doll to play with but not to be heard or have any independent feelings that didn’t match what MY narcissistic mother expected and you are the golden child. The triangulation is the icing on a VERY twisted cake. I lost a mother (or never had one) as well as a sister. It’s a lesson of every man for himself in an effort to just survive. It’s all I can do to remind myself that they are both “sick” as well….but at least I’m not living a life of blame and denial anymore.

  3. Court

    Reply

    Oh God can I relate! I have two narcissistic parents and two narcissistic brothers. Now 33 years old and can finally see it for what it is. All my life I grew up feeling like there was a piece of the puzzle missing. I was always so hurt but everyone around me was telling me it was my fault . It left me 2 try and try and try to be good enough for these people. To make excuses for being punched in the face, or having my bedroom door broken down just to get to me to hurt me, stealing my diary and reading it to their friends, telling me I was stupid and ugly all of my life. My mother slapping me, ripping the shower curtain down while I was bathing and beating me with a belt, wrecking the vehicle we were in and rolling three times just because I begged her to slow down. All of these and a million other events and I was still so blind because everyone around me acted like it was okay. I didn’t see the sabotage going on behind the scenes. I didn’t know all the lies that were being told about me. But now I’m married with three little girls and I had a mental breakdown almost 2 years ago and I think it was finally realizing what had happened to me. All these memories came flooding back that I had shoved away. All these feelings came back. And my family began to show their true colors, except for this time I had information on my side. Now I have them doing things like trying to get us evicted from our home because we stupidly decided to move on their land when I was still blind. They turn off our water and all the while say we’re not against us. It’s our problem. It’s because of us. But this information that I’ve been given is so accurate that I cannot ignore it. I now know who they are and what they are doing to me. I am the black sheep, the scapegoat, the person that everyone blames their problems for because I would easily take it and say thank you. No more. I’m finally free. My heart is broken but I know that I will get better and I will never again let them treat me like s***. Truth equals power. Thank you for your work. It is helping people. Anyone reading this that resonates with this story, please contact me. I would love to hear from you!

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