I have a partial memory, which I dismissed from my mind the first few times I had it. 

In this memory, I am small and wearing a nightgown.

That’s what us girls wore to bed to sleep in when we were little.

It is like a long sleeved flannel dress. 

In this memory I am no more than 4 years old. 

I am laying on my side in my parent’s bed in their big upstairs bedroom.

The next thing I feel somebody spooning me, then something hard push up against my lower back.

I feel confusion, but I know what it is.

Then, nothing.

I’m left to wonder what happened next?

Did this really happen?

Why can’t I remember more? 

First of all, I want you to know I believe this memory is real.

I also know who that person was.

The only way I could have known what the feeling was is because it had happened before.

I believe this happened when I was 3 years old, going on 4.

When my brother was born I was 3 years and 7 months old. 

My older siblings would have been 6, 8, 12, and 14. 

All school age, so I would have been the only one home alone with my caretaker (?) during the day.

Back in those days they had you stay in the hospital for at least 5 days when you had a baby, and my brother had some problems so it is likely they stayed longer.

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I am emotionally detached from this memory.

It does not make me feel anything. 

I feel….blank….

It doesn’t matter to me that I can’t conjure up a visual memory of what happened.

I know it happened.

That is all that matters.

That is what changed me.

That is what damaged me.

I was a baby.

A part of me wants to bury this forever and never look at it again.

Another part of me knows it is true and that I need to deal with it in order to heal.

It’s a strange thing to know something happened to the depths of your soul, but to not have any visual memory of it.

That’s okay.

I know it happened, and it’s time to face this ugly truth.

There is other evidence that this person is capable of such things, but I am not at liberty to share as it does not involve me personally.

When he died, is when I started falling apart.

I thought it was because I loved him so much, and because of how close we were.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

I also talked about this partial memory a bit on my youtube channel in this video.

If you are so inclined, can you please share with me in the comments on my blog if you understand what I am feeling.

Do you know something terrible happened to you when you were little, but you have no visual memory of it?

I have been reading many books lately, but the book that has been helping me deal with this topic is called Repressed Memories by Renee Fredrickson. I highly recommend it to anybody who is experiencing repressed memories of child sexual abuse.

~Poking Holes