Why We Need to Share Our Stories

Why do we share our stories?

Why do we NEED to share our stories?

For me, I think the key is that these stories are sources of pain.

We need to tell the stories to work through the pain and process the emotions.

If we ignore it, it stays.

If we address it, talk about it, it lessens.

Anything that causes us pain needs to be expressed in some way.

“Verbal ventilation is the penultimate grieving practice. It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress.”

Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Some of us write stories, songs or poetry.

Some of us vlog or blog about it.

Some of us have been fortunate to find a good trauma therapist that we can trust.

Some of us have a good friend to talk to that gets us through.

I am finding the stories that I feel compelled to tell are sources of tremendous pain for me. Pain that has been there since that first time my mother, the one person that is supposed to be there to protect me from all harm, inflicted intentional, confusing, blistering emotional harm upon me.

Each time it occurred I went through a trauma.

Ongoing emotional abuse.

Ongoing lack of empathy.

Ongoing lack of unconditional love from the one person that should hold the market on such a valuable resource.

My struggle is that I keep going into freeze response.

I keep saying that I need to snap out of this and get moving, but it’s not a matter of will power or laziness, or lack of motivation to change my circumstances.

I get triggered and my brain literally goes into freeze mode.

When that happens the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for controlling important cognitive skills, such as emotional expression, problem solving, memory, language, judgment, and sexual behaviour, is basically non-functional.

I am functioning on the monkey brain.

All the monkey brain cares about is survival.

Physical survival.

Mental survival.

That’s it.

I can go days like this.

It is days like this that I watch and listen to other survivors’ videos.

I think their stories help me to pull myself out of my frozen state.

The commonalities that I find in other survivors’ stories are like a life line to me.

I hear my story in other survivors’ stories.

It is as though we are telling each others’ stories.

This tells me that if I tell my story, maybe just maybe, somebody out there is experiencing the same confusion and pain in their lives due to narcissistic abuse, and they will hear my story and realize that they are being abused and they will realize they need to get out of there.

At the very least, I hope it helps them feel validated and less alone.

People like me, the lost children, don’t usually do things like this.

We stay back in the shadows. We watch, but don’t usually participate, if we can help it.

Sometimes, when we’ve felt particularly comfortable we might let our guard down and write out a comment only to later go back and delete it, because we’d rather not get involved, or we feel threatened by our own vulnerability.

Sharing such buried parts of ourselves is scary.

We long to, but at the same time, it is terrifying.

If I could not hide my identity I would not be doing this.

If I recognize myself on video I apply another filter to conceal my identity further.

Some of us feel compelled to share online because we have experienced what it is like to be in the dark and then to be awakened.

We know the pain of the awakening, but also the necessity of it to heal. Being awakened feels like you have literally been asleep. My whole life feels like it’s been a lie. Like, the opposite of what I believed to be true actually is true.

It is from this place of feeling cheated, feeling like “why didn’t anybody tell me?” that I come to you.I want to help, warn, encourage, validate, and do whatever I can to help you because I understand, and I know that understanding means something.

It means I am not alone. It means you are not alone. It means we are not alone.

It means somebody else out there might actually get me. It means somebody out there might awaken sooner and can begin their journey of self discovery sooner.

I’m not mad it took me so long to awaken. I’m just glad I did.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you all.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

Your stories have saved my life.

 

Narcissistic Abuse: Sometimes, it is the Not Knowing

When it comes to narcissistic abuse,

especially that of the covert variety,

it can be hard for us to put a finger

on what is happening to us.

Your awareness is limited to the knowledge

that there is an internal struggle within.

The struggle is for your awareness.

The innate response is to block it all out.

Avoid. Distract. Dissociate.

That is what I do, that is what I’ve always done.

Look the other way,

Don’t make it worse.

No eye contact.

Don’t let them know that you know.

I tell myself that I must be inventing problems

where there are none.

It must be all in my head.

I tell them that I am sorry.

I apologize to them for the pain

they have caused me.

Something about their behaviour

triggers me.

It is the same behaviour

that attempted to covet

my authentic self.

Snuff her out.

Lock her away, forever.

It is during this period of distraction,

of limited awareness,

that my mind tries to protect me.

It protects me by not allowing me to acknowledge

their behaviour as the problem.

I am the problem.

I’ve always been the problem.

That is what you are meant to feel.

You are meant to feel insignificant.

Your actual feelings were never taken into consideration.

They were never meant to be.

It is when you experience an awakening,

when you suddenly see and understand

what has been happening to you,

that you understand it was never you.

The only thing you did was try to survive

without going mad.

Sometimes, it is the not knowing

that can drive you mad.

 

Once you do know,

The clarity is redemptive.

 

Love and Light,

~Poking Holes~

 

 

 

Watch "A Weekend with my Narcissistic In-Laws" on YouTube

I just got back from a weekend with my narcissistic in-laws. My narcissistic father in-law married his narcissistic girlfriend. Once again, I am still realizing the shots they threw in their sick covert manner. I so wish I had recorded the toasts. All of her families’ toasts, including her own, were about what she/they had gained from him, and what he has done for them. My husband’s families’ toasts were about how she made him happy and put a smile on his face again. 
The following link is to a blog post about the last time I saw them 3 years ago. I cut them out of my life after that, but agreed to go to the wedding if my husband talked to them first about how things are going to go from now on, meaning no more passive aggressive bullshit. 

https://pokingholesblog.com/2015/08/12/i-think-my-so-called-step-mother-in-law-is-a-narc-too/
Disclaimer: 

I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

Watch "CPTSD: Is the Freeze Response an Indicator of Early Childhood Trauma?" on YouTube

 

This video was made on May 27th, 2017.

I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.

I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.

Disclaimer:
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

♥ My BLOG http://www.pokingholesblog.com

FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA

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Corporal Punishment/ "SPANKING" is CHILD ABUSE

In Canada, the country that I live in, the use of physical force on children is an exception to the Criminal Code of Canada. 

It is illegal to hit someone else, but if you are their parent or legal guardian you are allowed to hit your kids from ages 2 to a teenager. As long as you are doing it to discipline them, or correct their behaviour, they are fair game with the following exceptions. 

The law in Canada allows for minor corrective force or the mildest forms of assault, but a parent or legal guardian can not: 

– use force on a child under 2 years old or on a teenager, 

– use force that causes harm or might cause bodily harm, 

– use force because they are angry, frustrated, have lost their temper or because they have an “abusive personality”, 

– hit a child on the head, 

– do anything degrading, inhumane or harmful (this might include taking clothes off or spanking in public), or 

– use force on children who have disabilities which make it hard for them to learn. 

Growing up, my narcissistic mother physically assaulted me and my siblings in the name of discipline. She said it was discipline, but really she had psychotic breaks with reality like a deranged narcissistic sociopath. 

Nobody was allowed to express their full range of emotions, but her. Not even dad. If you did, all hell broke loose. 

I’ve been hit with wooden spoons, hangers, shoes, hair brushes, and whatever else she could get her hands on. I think she’s even thrown books at me. 

I’ve been slapped in the face by her on more occasions than I can recall. I think she really liked that one. The face slapping. It was her favourite. Her mom was a face slapper. I now know that it was illegal for her to do that. In fact, every act of “discipline” on her part was always because she lost her shit and she had to teach us her rules. All illegal. 

She also liked washing our mouths out with soap. She did it if we swore. She always made sure to push it up against out top teeth on the way out too. 

I’ve never spanked my children. I have always maintained that it is not a good way to discipline a child, and I have always been against it. It never made sense to me to try and corrects a child’s behaviour by hurting them. The biggest irony to me is hitting a child to teach them not to hit others. 

Thankfully, there is increasingly more scientific research that shows that physical punishment of any kind is harmful to children. 

Perhaps someday, with this and the urging by the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child to stop allowing parents and guardians to use physical force on children for discipline the law will change. 

 The way I see it, it is the biggest betrayal I can think of, having the person that is supposed to keep you safe from all harm, be the one causing it. 

On Being Silenced by Narcissistic Mother

As a young child, I was silenced. Anything that could cause my narcissistic mother to feel bad would invoke a psychotic shriek fest and physical assault, which was enough to traumatize anybody into silence. 

I became that shy quiet kid that would play quietly with her dolls and try not to make mommy angry. I was that kid that always tried to make mommy and others feel better. She liked that. 

That’s how I gained the status of being her “best friend”. That was, until I started being not so silent and pointing things out. She didn’t like that.  

I still silence myself though. I silence myself so others will love me. I feel if I express my “negative” emotions, or express my distaste in their actions, that they will not love me anymore and will leave me. My mom taught me that. Every time I get angry and my husband reacts I accuse him of not loving me. 

There are the times when I’ve silenced myself one time too many. When I’ve stuffed my insides to capacity and everything comes bursting out like Jack being released from the box.  

Those times are bad. Sometimes, I feel as though I am watching myself from out of body, but I can’t stop myself. I’m triggered, and a part of me knows it, but I’m unable to stop it. I know I sound just like her, yet I can’t stop. I need to stop. I hate that I act like her at those times. It’s fucking disturbing. 

I suppose being aware is a step in the right direction, but ffs. I just want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. I’ve been doing so well, then I’m triggered and it feels like I take a huge step back. 

I’ve been silent on my YouTube channel and here for some time now. I ordered some books that deal with growing up with a narcissistic mother and have gotten to the part where I need to journal and process things. I put the books down and haven’t picked them back up. I’ve been dissociating and avoiding. My bad. 

Time to break the silence. 

Watch "CPTSD: Is the Freeze Response an Indicator of Early Childhood Trauma?" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/PQD4klK4Rvo

 

This video was made on May 27th, 2017.

I feel like I am stuck in a freeze state sometimes. That is my main response to trauma. I tend to freeze and dissociate by distracting myself or zoning out. When I’m feeling especially triggered I tend to be drawn to my bed and want to lay down and stay there. I am wondering if this is an indication of how early in my childhood the initial trauma occurred. I’d love to know your thoughts.

I will follow this video up with research on this topic and will post a further video on my findings.

Disclaimer:
I am not a mental health professional nor am I an academic expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). I am here to share my story, both past and present, as I continue on a journey of awakening and recovery from CPTSD.

♥ My BLOG http://www.pokingholesblog.com

FIND ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA

♥FACEBOOK♥ http://www.facebook.com/Poking-Holes-1675396336061298/
♥TWITTER♥ http://twitter.com/poking_holes
♥PINTEREST♥ http://www.pinterest.com/pholes/
♥TUMBLR♥ http://poking-holes.tumblr.com/

♥CONTACT ME♥
pokingholeschannel@gmail.com

Donations

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TSWFLJJSM8CNJ

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