I want to talk a bit about body image issues.
As far back as I can remember, my narcissistic mom (NM) has been on one diet or another. My Golden Child Sister (GCS) has been watching what she eats since she was 10, if not younger. All 5 of us girls have issues with our weight.
My weight has yoyoed up and down my whole adult life. Each time becoming heavier than the last.
I am currently at the heaviest I have EVER been my whole life. I gained 70 lbs in the last 9 months that I lived with my NM.
My NM knew I was struggling, starting and restarting the eating plan that I had used to lose 50 lbs the year previous. She would come home with “treats”, or bake something gluten free (we’re both intolerant) and say it was especially for me. Sabotage, or what? I would eat the whole thing too. That was my MO. Binge eating. Stuff stuff stuff those feelings down. Just blindly stuffing, not even really tasting it. My mom is a binge eater too, but she can’t eat as much as she used to now that she’s older. She used to binge and purge. I can’t do the purging thing. I tried a couple of times.
My maternal grandmother was very judgmental towards “fat” people. She was very outspoken about somebody being fat, and that was usually the first thing that she would comment on about somebody, their weight. “Wow! Is she ever FAT!” She was also a NM. My mom has slowly opened up to us in the last few years about some of the things my grandmother would do and say to her when she was a child. My grandmother wasn’t skinny either. Not until she got older, then she thinned right out.
I just read something that really hit home with me. I may have piled on the pounds to insulate me from NM. The whole time we lived with her was horrible. It ruined any relationship we had left. Well, that and learning that she is textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder.
I don’t even know how to be around her now, or even what to say, so I just stay away. She doesn’t really seem to care either, which kind of hurts because she used to call me her “best friend”. More on that at a later date.
While we lived there, I couldn’t walk into the same room as her without feeling her looking me up and down, and then her making some comment about my body (usually my ass), or an article of clothing I was wearing. I don’t know, I just found it weird and intrusive. Like, stop looking at my frigging body! It’s not like it was something new between us either. I had just hit my limit with it.
Apparently, on a metaphysical level, we gain weight for self protection. I’m going to do some reading on the subject, but it seems legit to me.
In closing, I have been out of NM’s house for 21 days, and I have lost 9.5 lbs.
~ Poking Holes ~