CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine

As promised I am providing you with a downloadable copy of the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine.

This routine was made to help me reduce my symptoms of CPTSD.

If you haven’t watched the video yet where I explain how I use this checklist see the video at end of this blog post.

I have been doing most of this routine for one month now, and I am already seeing results.

The exercise and meditation alone made a big difference right off the bat.

I’m ready to up my game as far as exercise goes and add in the weight lifting and yoga. I’m excited about it and can’t wait to start seeing results.

Please let me know if you follow a similar routine and what your results have been.

I have noticed a large decrease in several of my symptoms already, so with the addition of other more specific reparenting techniques I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

So far I have noticed a large decrease in my hypervigilance, anxiety, and I believe I am experiencing fewer emotional flashbacks as a result.

To download a copy of the checklist click on the following link. (Click)


Thank you so much, and please don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments here, on my youtube channel, or on social media.

Here is the video where I talk about the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine. I have also provided you with links to previous videos where I talked about it as well.





You have CPTSD: Now What?

Narcissistic abuse is so insidious that it is common to not realize what is going on before it is too late. By the time you realize something is wrong, you have already fallen victim to the manipulations and abusive tactics of the narcissist in your life and are suffering from the symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). It is common for the victims of narcissistic abuse to think they are going crazy and to not even suspect the narcissist as the one causing their problemss. We will often stumble upon the truth by seeking help to fix ourselves and our relationships with others.

Some of us will get diagnosed by a therapist, and some of us will conduct our own research of our symptoms to find information that will explain what is happening to us.

The first time I discovered that my mother was a narcissist I googled “why do I hate my mom?” I honestly couldn’t put my finger on why I was feeling that way. I couldn’t bring myself to blame my mother for the way I was feeling. This is because of the trauma bond, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, that I had with my mom. I thought there must be something wrong with me to feel that way about her.

When I found information on narcissistic mothers my eyes were opened to not only what had been occurring in the few years since my dad died, but also what I had endured my whole life.

Now that you have figured out that you have CPTSD, what can you do?


This is the most important step. When you realize what is going on, the new awareness you have is the first step you need towards healing. It is also referred to as an “awakening” or the “red pill moment”. This is the stage where you are becoming consciously aware that you have been abused, and that it is the real reason for your mental health issues. You begin putting the pieces together and understanding clearly what you have been through.


This is the stage where you will want to consume all the knowledge about narcissistic abuse and CPTSD you can get your hands on. This stage is an important one because it helps you to accept what you went through. The more you learn, the more it will help you to accept that you have been abused and to understand that it wasn’t your fault. It also helps you to understand the narcissist and what they have done to you. This is important to help you break the trauma bond you have with the narcissist. Accepting what they did to you is the key to breaking that bond. Grieving your loss is an integral part at this stage as well.

Sharing Your Story

It is important for us to talk about what happened to us. If you can find a good trauma therapist, I encourage you to go that route. If you are finding it hard to find a good therapist, or your symptoms prevent your from it, you can still share your story on the various online support forums, write a blog, make youtube videos, etc. The important thing is to find somebody to talk to that will validate you and make you feel heard. That validation is very important for our healing. In his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker refers to this as “verbal ventilation”.

It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress”  Pete Walker

It is my hope is that somebody out there will find this information helpful in some way for their healing journey from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD. At the very least, I hope you will feel less alone.

~ Poking Holes




CPTSD Recovery: Creating My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

I had this idea to create “My Authentic Life” on The Sims 4 where I would make a life based on choosing things I wouldn’t normally allow myself to choose.

I’ve played the 2 player Sims games back when they still did that. I wish they still did that. Why don’t they still do that? Now, we need 2 PlayStation 4 consoles and 2 game discs to play the game together. Lame!

Guess what hubby wants for Christmas?

That’s right. A second PlayStation 4 console.

Anyhow, I digress.

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, my expressions of individuality were often stifled. All daughters of narcissistic mothers go through this. Our mothers were incapable of real love. Instead, they manipulated and controlled our every move.

To add insult to injury, most of us still live with her in our minds, otherwise known as our inner critic. One of the nasty symptoms of cptsd that I’m working to eradicate. You can find more information about the inner critic here and here.

The cruel, totalitarian inner critic is a key distinguishing feature of Cptsd.”  Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

We were taught to believe that nobody cares what we think, that there is something wrong with us, that it’s our job to obey and respect her, and to her that meant doing things her way.

A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect.”  Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Soon, it becomes automatic to choose things that we know she would prefer, just to keep the peace. It doesn’t stop when we move away from home. Like I said, she lives on, in our mind.

So, I had this thought that I could create a life on The Sims 4 where I would choose traits that I feel are within me, but that I have suppressed because I know that my narcissistic mother would not approve.

Basically, I am going to try and create my authentic self and see what that life would be like.

I will make decisions that I would not normally make in order to try and do that.

I also want to pay attention to when I stop myself from choosing something that I want, because that is a sign that I am stifling myself based on what I know would be “acceptable”.

I also need to be aware of my sim and how she reacts to the things that I have chosen for her. You see, in choosing her attributes, I will be choosing things that I have suppressed, so I am not always going to be able to choose the right things, because I am so used to suppressing my authentic self.

I’m interested in seeing how this plays out. I know that when you choose certain attributes your sim will respond to the things they like and dislike accordingly, so if I chose something my sim wouldn’t want based on her attributes she will most likely let me know. It’s up to me to pick up on her signals.

I would like to put it out there that I am open to meeting up on the playstation network and playing The Sims 4 together. I hope somebody takes me up on this offer. My username on the playstation network is pokingholes.

The content on my youtube channel and my blog is quite heavy, so I thought this would be a fun way for you to get to know me better, in a much more casual setting, and a chance for me to socialize more.

My Hilariously Cringy (maybe just cringy) First Attempt at Live Streaming My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

My First Live Broadcast – The Sims 4

I gotta fess up. I already started this, but the attempt was so botched that I am going to go back to the beginning and start a whole new character/game.

First of all, nobody could hear me for the first 34 minutes, so my whole spiel about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and creating my authentic life, etc. cannot be heard, so I was left to try and explain it in the video description.

I also feel like I was rushing myself through creating my sim. I think I did that because I was letting it get into my head that I was taking too long and that nobody would be interested in watching me do that for much longer. I really wanted to try on every outfit and personalize her look more though. I think I will do that in my new game.

Then, when you could hear me and I got to the house building part, I was so unfamiliar with the controls that my husband was pulling his hair out watching me. Lol! He was trying to chat to me to tell me what to do, but there is a lag so I wasn’t getting his messages right away. My phone died too, so he couldn’t even text me.

I promise I am going to study the diagrams that I saved of the controls for the PS4 controller for the sims game, so I will know what I am doing in my next broadcast.

I will tweet when I will be streaming next, so follow me on twitter if you want to join me.

Also, if you subscribe to my youtube channel and click the notification bell, you will be notified when I go live.

What do you think? Gaming for CPTSD Recovery? Why not? Let’s do this!!!

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

Poking Holes

Symptoms of CPTSD *New & Improved*

This new video, which I uploaded to my Youtube channel on November 20th, 2017, is a remake of a video I uploaded back in April 2016.

I created the original video for my youtube channel with the same content, which I sourced from the Out of the Storm website.  I highly recommend this website to anybody suffering from CPTSD.

Here is the original video I created.

When I first started creating content I was using my old windows laptop, my brand new Logitech HD Pro Webcam C920 and Blue Yeti USB Microphone – Blackout Edition, and windows movie maker. I didn’t know that I could stop the camera from focussing in and out back then. Sorry about that.

I’m still using the same Logitech C920 Webcam and Blue Yeti Microphone, but I have since upgraded my laptop to a Apple 13″ MacBook Pro, and I usually use iMovie to create my videos now. Sometimes I dabble in using Adobe Premiere Pro CC, and in fact some of my videos have been edited using it, but that was only until I realized how much more user-friendly iMovie is for somebody like me. I also occasionally use my smart phone to vlog, which I think is obvious when I do it. Enough of the techie stuff, but I though some of you might be interested in knowing this info. 😉

This was only the 2nd video I created for my channel. I had just learned about CPTSD and was eager to help spread the word.

I was sure there had to be others out there just like me who were just waking up to this, and that needed to know this information so they could begin their healing journey as well.

It has been my most popular video upload to my Youtube channel to date, but I’ve also had a few complaints.

One viewer said,

I don’t see any kids in the audience, so maybe next time you could write something intelligible instead of switching colors and drawing faces?

Another viewer exclaimed,

Agggghhhhhh. The marker sounds…. my ears!!!!! 😖

And, yet another,

i do not enjoy the fact that you draw small faces near the symptoms. it looks like you are making fun of me. really, like you aren’t taking this seriously. it’s offensive.

I tried not to take it too personally.

After all, I get it.

It is kind of horrible.

As another viewer said, and I have to agree.

good information…bad execution.

Overall though, the response has been overwhelmingly positive, with the following being just a drop in the bucket.

This is officially my best ever encountered explanation of CPTSD!

Thank you for explaining so clearly what I have had my entire life.

One of the best videos, thank you so much

Thank you. So much! I am trapped in my body. Nobody understands. This helps me, a lot.

I’d been thinking of remaking that video for a while now, and may even make another version.

It might even make this viewer happy. 😉

I put on a video to read, said no one ever


Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

~Poking Holes

Additional Resources: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving


Watch "Common Symptoms of CPTSD" on YouTube

Topics Covered:

  • Common Symptoms of CPTSD According to Pete Walker,
  • Pete Walker’s 13 Steps for Emotional Flashback Management,
  • and my steps to lessen the severity of a flashback in the absence of Pete Walker’s 13 steps.


Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving




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