CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine

As promised I am providing you with a downloadable copy of the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine.

This routine was made to help me reduce my symptoms of CPTSD.

If you haven’t watched the video yet where I explain how I use this checklist see the video at end of this blog post.

I have been doing most of this routine for one month now, and I am already seeing results.

The exercise and meditation alone made a big difference right off the bat.

I’m ready to up my game as far as exercise goes and add in the weight lifting and yoga. I’m excited about it and can’t wait to start seeing results.

Please let me know if you follow a similar routine and what your results have been.

I have noticed a large decrease in several of my symptoms already, so with the addition of other more specific reparenting techniques I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

So far I have noticed a large decrease in my hypervigilance, anxiety, and I believe I am experiencing fewer emotional flashbacks as a result.

To download a copy of the checklist click on the following link. (Click)


Thank you so much, and please don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments here, on my youtube channel, or on social media.

Here is the video where I talk about the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine. I have also provided you with links to previous videos where I talked about it as well.





You have CPTSD: Now What?

Narcissistic abuse is so insidious that it is common to not realize what is going on before it is too late. By the time you realize something is wrong, you have already fallen victim to the manipulations and abusive tactics of the narcissist in your life and are suffering from the symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). It is common for the victims of narcissistic abuse to think they are going crazy and to not even suspect the narcissist as the one causing their problemss. We will often stumble upon the truth by seeking help to fix ourselves and our relationships with others.

Some of us will get diagnosed by a therapist, and some of us will conduct our own research of our symptoms to find information that will explain what is happening to us.

The first time I discovered that my mother was a narcissist I googled “why do I hate my mom?” I honestly couldn’t put my finger on why I was feeling that way. I couldn’t bring myself to blame my mother for the way I was feeling. This is because of the trauma bond, also known as Stockholm Syndrome, that I had with my mom. I thought there must be something wrong with me to feel that way about her.

When I found information on narcissistic mothers my eyes were opened to not only what had been occurring in the few years since my dad died, but also what I had endured my whole life.

Now that you have figured out that you have CPTSD, what can you do?


This is the most important step. When you realize what is going on, the new awareness you have is the first step you need towards healing. It is also referred to as an “awakening” or the “red pill moment”. This is the stage where you are becoming consciously aware that you have been abused, and that it is the real reason for your mental health issues. You begin putting the pieces together and understanding clearly what you have been through.


This is the stage where you will want to consume all the knowledge about narcissistic abuse and CPTSD you can get your hands on. This stage is an important one because it helps you to accept what you went through. The more you learn, the more it will help you to accept that you have been abused and to understand that it wasn’t your fault. It also helps you to understand the narcissist and what they have done to you. This is important to help you break the trauma bond you have with the narcissist. Accepting what they did to you is the key to breaking that bond. Grieving your loss is an integral part at this stage as well.

Sharing Your Story

It is important for us to talk about what happened to us. If you can find a good trauma therapist, I encourage you to go that route. If you are finding it hard to find a good therapist, or your symptoms prevent your from it, you can still share your story on the various online support forums, write a blog, make youtube videos, etc. The important thing is to find somebody to talk to that will validate you and make you feel heard. That validation is very important for our healing. In his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker refers to this as “verbal ventilation”.

It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress”  Pete Walker

It is my hope is that somebody out there will find this information helpful in some way for their healing journey from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD. At the very least, I hope you will feel less alone.

~ Poking Holes




When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.

Antidepressants for CPTSD – Controversial Subject?

I recently posted a video on my youtube channel that was a catch up video, and in that video I talked about the latest hoovering attempt by my golden child sister, self care, and future video content ideas. Link to the video is located at the end of blog post.

I also talk about antidepressants in this video. I get that it can be a controversial subject. I may end up just taking it down.

To give a bit of background, I’ve always opted to take the antidepressants before I went to see a therapist. It was an option, and I felt horrible, so I would take it so I would stop feeling horrible. Why is it an option before people even go to talk to a mental health professional anyhow?

For the first time in my life, I have opted to go off antidepressants because I realized it wasn’t actually helping me, and I felt I could take some time to deal with everything without the use of antidepressants.

I went off Zoloft in June 2015, right before I discovered that my family is a toxic den of narcissists. I tried going on a different antidepressant in Dec 2015 because I was not doing well after going no contact and it being the first holiday season since. It gave me suicidal ideation, which I have never had before, so I stopped that one.

I have not been able to work for over two years now due to my symptoms. It is getting to be a bit much. I am isolating more, not less. I am anxious more, not less. I just want the horrible feelings to end!

If I want to be able to see a mental health professional that actually knows what they are talking about, I have to be working so I can use my benefits to pay for a qualified trauma therapist. I have given up on even going on interviews for jobs. I was turned away from working in my profession due to my anxiety. We cannot afford to pay a psychiatrist, nor can we afford to pay for an alternative doctor that is not covered by health care benefits.

I feel like I’m actually going crazy because I am an educated professional woman, but I can’t even concentrate and focus enough to write a blog on a regular basis.

If anybody would like to speak to me privately about how you feel that antidepressants have helped to give you a better quality of life while dealing with CPTSD I’d love to hear from you. You can message me privately on my channel by going to the about tab and clicking on “send message”. Alternatively, you can email me at pokingholeschannel@gmail.com.

If anybody can tell me about alternative medicines or supplements they take, I would love to hear about it also.

My Body Remembers – Somatic Flashbacks

I think somebody hurt me really bad when I was little…too little to remember.

I can’t be sure who, but at such a young age it can only be somebody from my immediate family of origin.

I think it was either my narcissistic mother, or my 2nd eldest sister who I believe is a malignant narcissist. I’ve not talked about her much. She is 8 years older than me and I believe she envied me for the treatment I got by being the baby girl of the famiy. I remember I was always frightened of her and her friends for some reason. She was mom’s original scapegoat, the 2nd born, but she wasn’t your regular empathic scapegoat you hear about. No. She tended to have a violent streak. She got it from our mom. Mom liked to “spank”, except it was more like a rage filled crazy person taking their insane rage out on you. My violent streak came out when I drank, so I quit.

I’ve been linking some things together that might help me understand myself better. A lot of things that I have noticed lately during emotional flashbacks might be clues to my original trauma. The incident, the moment in time that I flash back to when I’m in an emotional flashback.

A lot of times, when I am having an emotional flashback, I feel like I can’t catch my breath. It freaks me out and makes me even more anxious. Sometimes, getting out of breath doing physical activity is enough to cause me to have an emotional flashback. I reasoned that it must cause me anxiety because my Dad died from lung cancer, but I’m beginning to wonder if it is tied to my original trauma and somebody causing me to lose my breath. A knee to the back comes to mind.

To add to that, I’ve started experiencing a burning pain in my upper back, but only when I’m having an emotional flashback. It literally burns from the inside out, and when it first happened a couple of weeks ago, I started weeping while trying to tell my husband about it. I recorded a video with my reaction to this. I will upload it and link to it here.

Since initially feeling that burning pain, I now feel it every time I have an emotional flashback, and also when I try to focus on that “memory”. I’m not sure what to make of it, but every cell of my being says it is from something bad happening when I was either too little to remember it, or I dissociated and compartmentalized it in my brain.

One more piece of this puzzle could be tied to a memory I had last year. I have a memory from childhood of my mom standing over somebody in the small upstairs bedroom. It looks like they are fighting  I can’t see who the other person is because mom is over them and they are on the small twin bed. Here’s the strange part. I am seeing this happening from above like I’m floating under the ceiling. When I asked my scapegoat sister if that memory meant anything to her she told me I was probably remembering my mom and the violent sister I mentioned above fighting, because the two of us were very frightened when that happened. At the time, I accepted that.

While writing this I am remembering what I wrote to the “violent sister” before I went no contact with her. I’ve thought about this before and wondered why I called her that. I was in an emotional flashback when I wrote it. I mean, I remember being afraid of her when I was little, and I remember one incident when she hurt me by kicking me when she was babysitting us younger kids, but I remember that time clearly. I was older. Some of my other siblings were there too. I remember the golden child sister helping me and getting mad at the “violent sister”.

Here is a portion of my parting message to my “violent sister”. See this blog post for more details on this as well.

“Somebody out there might still believe you have a caring heart, but it sure isn’t me. You watched her abuse me, and then copied her. Goodbye abusive one.  

In case you’re wondering,  why now?  The bitch abused us so bad my little girl brain blocked it out so I could survive in that hell. Living there made it come back.  It’s called cptsd. Look it up you violent bitch.”

So, it appears that when I am in an emotional flashback, I see this particular sister as violent and abusive,  and I’m willing to bet I have very good reasons for it. I just can’t remember anything but that one incident.

I hope to remember the trauma, no matter how difficult, so that I can process it and recover from it. Perhaps I will never fully remember it though. I have to be prepared for that.

It does strike me how nonchalantly I can accept that either of them could have hurt me so badly when I was so little. I do though. I wouldn’t put it past either of them. Memory or no memory, I feel that about them to the very core of my being.



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