CPTSD Recovery: Creating My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

I had this idea to create “My Authentic Life” on The Sims 4 where I would make a life based on choosing things I wouldn’t normally allow myself to choose.

I’ve played the 2 player Sims games back when they still did that. I wish they still did that. Why don’t they still do that? Now, we need 2 PlayStation 4 consoles and 2 game discs to play the game together. Lame!

Guess what hubby wants for Christmas?

That’s right. A second PlayStation 4 console.

Anyhow, I digress.

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, my expressions of individuality were often stifled. All daughters of narcissistic mothers go through this. Our mothers were incapable of real love. Instead, they manipulated and controlled our every move.

To add insult to injury, most of us still live with her in our minds, otherwise known as our inner critic. One of the nasty symptoms of cptsd that I’m working to eradicate. You can find more information about the inner critic here and here.

The cruel, totalitarian inner critic is a key distinguishing feature of Cptsd.”  Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

We were taught to believe that nobody cares what we think, that there is something wrong with us, that it’s our job to obey and respect her, and to her that meant doing things her way.

A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect.”  Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Soon, it becomes automatic to choose things that we know she would prefer, just to keep the peace. It doesn’t stop when we move away from home. Like I said, she lives on, in our mind.

So, I had this thought that I could create a life on The Sims 4 where I would choose traits that I feel are within me, but that I have suppressed because I know that my narcissistic mother would not approve.

Basically, I am going to try and create my authentic self and see what that life would be like.

I will make decisions that I would not normally make in order to try and do that.

I also want to pay attention to when I stop myself from choosing something that I want, because that is a sign that I am stifling myself based on what I know would be “acceptable”.

I also need to be aware of my sim and how she reacts to the things that I have chosen for her. You see, in choosing her attributes, I will be choosing things that I have suppressed, so I am not always going to be able to choose the right things, because I am so used to suppressing my authentic self.

I’m interested in seeing how this plays out. I know that when you choose certain attributes your sim will respond to the things they like and dislike accordingly, so if I chose something my sim wouldn’t want based on her attributes she will most likely let me know. It’s up to me to pick up on her signals.

I would like to put it out there that I am open to meeting up on the playstation network and playing The Sims 4 together. I hope somebody takes me up on this offer. My username on the playstation network is pokingholes.

The content on my youtube channel and my blog is quite heavy, so I thought this would be a fun way for you to get to know me better, in a much more casual setting, and a chance for me to socialize more.

My Hilariously Cringy (maybe just cringy) First Attempt at Live Streaming My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

My First Live Broadcast – The Sims 4

I gotta fess up. I already started this, but the attempt was so botched that I am going to go back to the beginning and start a whole new character/game.

First of all, nobody could hear me for the first 34 minutes, so my whole spiel about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and creating my authentic life, etc. cannot be heard, so I was left to try and explain it in the video description.

I also feel like I was rushing myself through creating my sim. I think I did that because I was letting it get into my head that I was taking too long and that nobody would be interested in watching me do that for much longer. I really wanted to try on every outfit and personalize her look more though. I think I will do that in my new game.

Then, when you could hear me and I got to the house building part, I was so unfamiliar with the controls that my husband was pulling his hair out watching me. Lol! He was trying to chat to me to tell me what to do, but there is a lag so I wasn’t getting his messages right away. My phone died too, so he couldn’t even text me.

I promise I am going to study the diagrams that I saved of the controls for the PS4 controller for the sims game, so I will know what I am doing in my next broadcast.

I will tweet when I will be streaming next, so follow me on twitter if you want to join me.

Also, if you subscribe to my youtube channel and click the notification bell, you will be notified when I go live.

What do you think? Gaming for CPTSD Recovery? Why not? Let’s do this!!!

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

Poking Holes

10 Signs You Might Be Dealing With a Narcissist

  1. You feel stressed out after spending time with them, and you’re not sure why.

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2. You have conflicting feelings for them. For example, they drive you crazy, but you love them so much. poses-1367416_1280

3. You tell them something you consider good news for you, and they don’t seem pleased for you. man-1209137_1920.jpg

4. You show them something you made/wrote/created, etc and they look at it with a blank expression and don’t say anything complimentary. intense-2748227_1920.jpg

5. If you are an artist of some sort and they say your work is good, but tell you that your prices are too high and you should lower them (very low) so more people will buy them. boy-497986_1920.jpg

6. You are confused by something they have said to you, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. confused-2385799_1920 (1)

7. When they suddenly start ignoring you, or freezing you out. You can feel a difference, but they deny that anything has changed. night-968989_1920.jpg

8. They deny their bad behaviour even though you have witnessed them first hand displaying this behaviour. They will say they NEVER behaved that way.man-2854030_1920.jpg

9. You have been diagnosed with anxiety.anxiety-2902575_1920.jpg

10. When they do something to upset you, but you end up being the one to apologize.rain-1570854_1920.jpg

Here is a video that I made for my youtube channel on this topic.

10 Signs You Might Be Dealing With A Narcissist

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

Poking Holes

Antidepressants for CPTSD – Controversial Subject?

I recently posted a video on my youtube channel that was a catch up video, and in that video I talked about the latest hoovering attempt by my golden child sister, self care, and future video content ideas. Link to the video is located at the end of blog post.

I also talk about antidepressants in this video. I get that it can be a controversial subject. I may end up just taking it down.

To give a bit of background, I’ve always opted to take the antidepressants before I went to see a therapist. It was an option, and I felt horrible, so I would take it so I would stop feeling horrible. Why is it an option before people even go to talk to a mental health professional anyhow?

For the first time in my life, I have opted to go off antidepressants because I realized it wasn’t actually helping me, and I felt I could take some time to deal with everything without the use of antidepressants.

I went off Zoloft in June 2015, right before I discovered that my family is a toxic den of narcissists. I tried going on a different antidepressant in Dec 2015 because I was not doing well after going no contact and it being the first holiday season since. It gave me suicidal ideation, which I have never had before, so I stopped that one.

I have not been able to work for over two years now due to my symptoms. It is getting to be a bit much. I am isolating more, not less. I am anxious more, not less. I just want the horrible feelings to end!

If I want to be able to see a mental health professional that actually knows what they are talking about, I have to be working so I can use my benefits to pay for a qualified trauma therapist. I have given up on even going on interviews for jobs. I was turned away from working in my profession due to my anxiety. We cannot afford to pay a psychiatrist, nor can we afford to pay for an alternative doctor that is not covered by health care benefits.

I feel like I’m actually going crazy because I am an educated professional woman, but I can’t even concentrate and focus enough to write a blog on a regular basis.

If anybody would like to speak to me privately about how you feel that antidepressants have helped to give you a better quality of life while dealing with CPTSD I’d love to hear from you. You can message me privately on my channel by going to the about tab and clicking on “send message”. Alternatively, you can email me at pokingholeschannel@gmail.com.

If anybody can tell me about alternative medicines or supplements they take, I would love to hear about it also.

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