CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine

As promised I am providing you with a downloadable copy of the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine.

This routine was made to help me reduce my symptoms of CPTSD.

If you haven’t watched the video yet where I explain how I use this checklist see the video at end of this blog post.

I have been doing most of this routine for one month now, and I am already seeing results.

The exercise and meditation alone made a big difference right off the bat.

I’m ready to up my game as far as exercise goes and add in the weight lifting and yoga. I’m excited about it and can’t wait to start seeing results.

Please let me know if you follow a similar routine and what your results have been.

I have noticed a large decrease in several of my symptoms already, so with the addition of other more specific reparenting techniques I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

So far I have noticed a large decrease in my hypervigilance, anxiety, and I believe I am experiencing fewer emotional flashbacks as a result.

To download a copy of the checklist click on the following link. (Click)

CPTSDWarriorSelfCareRoutine

Thank you so much, and please don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments here, on my youtube channel, or on social media.

Here is the video where I talk about the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine. I have also provided you with links to previous videos where I talked about it as well.

 

 

 

 

Why We Need to Share Our Stories

Why do we share our stories?

Why do we NEED to share our stories?

For me, I think the key is that these stories are sources of pain.

We need to tell the stories to work through the pain and process the emotions.

If we ignore it, it stays.

If we address it, talk about it, it lessens.

Anything that causes us pain needs to be expressed in some way.

“Verbal ventilation is the penultimate grieving practice. It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress.”

Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Some of us write stories, songs or poetry.

Some of us vlog or blog about it.

Some of us have been fortunate to find a good trauma therapist that we can trust.

Some of us have a good friend to talk to that gets us through.

I am finding the stories that I feel compelled to tell are sources of tremendous pain for me. Pain that has been there since that first time my mother, the one person that is supposed to be there to protect me from all harm, inflicted intentional, confusing, blistering emotional harm upon me.

Each time it occurred I went through a trauma.

Ongoing emotional abuse.

Ongoing lack of empathy.

Ongoing lack of unconditional love from the one person that should hold the market on such a valuable resource.

My struggle is that I keep going into freeze response.

I keep saying that I need to snap out of this and get moving, but it’s not a matter of will power or laziness, or lack of motivation to change my circumstances.

I get triggered and my brain literally goes into freeze mode.

When that happens the frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for controlling important cognitive skills, such as emotional expression, problem solving, memory, language, judgment, and sexual behaviour, is basically non-functional.

I am functioning on the monkey brain.

All the monkey brain cares about is survival.

Physical survival.

Mental survival.

That’s it.

I can go days like this.

It is days like this that I watch and listen to other survivors’ videos.

I think their stories help me to pull myself out of my frozen state.

The commonalities that I find in other survivors’ stories are like a life line to me.

I hear my story in other survivors’ stories.

It is as though we are telling each others’ stories.

This tells me that if I tell my story, maybe just maybe, somebody out there is experiencing the same confusion and pain in their lives due to narcissistic abuse, and they will hear my story and realize that they are being abused and they will realize they need to get out of there.

At the very least, I hope it helps them feel validated and less alone.

People like me, the lost children, don’t usually do things like this.

We stay back in the shadows. We watch, but don’t usually participate, if we can help it.

Sometimes, when we’ve felt particularly comfortable we might let our guard down and write out a comment only to later go back and delete it, because we’d rather not get involved, or we feel threatened by our own vulnerability.

Sharing such buried parts of ourselves is scary.

We long to, but at the same time, it is terrifying.

If I could not hide my identity I would not be doing this.

If I recognize myself on video I apply another filter to conceal my identity further.

Some of us feel compelled to share online because we have experienced what it is like to be in the dark and then to be awakened.

We know the pain of the awakening, but also the necessity of it to heal. Being awakened feels like you have literally been asleep. My whole life feels like it’s been a lie. Like, the opposite of what I believed to be true actually is true.

It is from this place of feeling cheated, feeling like “why didn’t anybody tell me?” that I come to you.I want to help, warn, encourage, validate, and do whatever I can to help you because I understand, and I know that understanding means something.

It means I am not alone. It means you are not alone. It means we are not alone.

It means somebody else out there might actually get me. It means somebody out there might awaken sooner and can begin their journey of self discovery sooner.

I’m not mad it took me so long to awaken. I’m just glad I did.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you all.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

Your stories have saved my life.

 

CPTSD Recovery: Creating My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

I had this idea to create “My Authentic Life” on The Sims 4 where I would make a life based on choosing things I wouldn’t normally allow myself to choose.

I’ve played the 2 player Sims games back when they still did that. I wish they still did that. Why don’t they still do that? Now, we need 2 PlayStation 4 consoles and 2 game discs to play the game together. Lame!

Guess what hubby wants for Christmas?

That’s right. A second PlayStation 4 console.

Anyhow, I digress.

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, my expressions of individuality were often stifled. All daughters of narcissistic mothers go through this. Our mothers were incapable of real love. Instead, they manipulated and controlled our every move.

To add insult to injury, most of us still live with her in our minds, otherwise known as our inner critic. One of the nasty symptoms of cptsd that I’m working to eradicate. You can find more information about the inner critic here and here.

The cruel, totalitarian inner critic is a key distinguishing feature of Cptsd.”  Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

We were taught to believe that nobody cares what we think, that there is something wrong with us, that it’s our job to obey and respect her, and to her that meant doing things her way.

A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect.”  Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Soon, it becomes automatic to choose things that we know she would prefer, just to keep the peace. It doesn’t stop when we move away from home. Like I said, she lives on, in our mind.

So, I had this thought that I could create a life on The Sims 4 where I would choose traits that I feel are within me, but that I have suppressed because I know that my narcissistic mother would not approve.

Basically, I am going to try and create my authentic self and see what that life would be like.

I will make decisions that I would not normally make in order to try and do that.

I also want to pay attention to when I stop myself from choosing something that I want, because that is a sign that I am stifling myself based on what I know would be “acceptable”.

I also need to be aware of my sim and how she reacts to the things that I have chosen for her. You see, in choosing her attributes, I will be choosing things that I have suppressed, so I am not always going to be able to choose the right things, because I am so used to suppressing my authentic self.

I’m interested in seeing how this plays out. I know that when you choose certain attributes your sim will respond to the things they like and dislike accordingly, so if I chose something my sim wouldn’t want based on her attributes she will most likely let me know. It’s up to me to pick up on her signals.

I would like to put it out there that I am open to meeting up on the playstation network and playing The Sims 4 together. I hope somebody takes me up on this offer. My username on the playstation network is pokingholes.

The content on my youtube channel and my blog is quite heavy, so I thought this would be a fun way for you to get to know me better, in a much more casual setting, and a chance for me to socialize more.

My Hilariously Cringy (maybe just cringy) First Attempt at Live Streaming My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

My First Live Broadcast – The Sims 4

I gotta fess up. I already started this, but the attempt was so botched that I am going to go back to the beginning and start a whole new character/game.

First of all, nobody could hear me for the first 34 minutes, so my whole spiel about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and creating my authentic life, etc. cannot be heard, so I was left to try and explain it in the video description.

I also feel like I was rushing myself through creating my sim. I think I did that because I was letting it get into my head that I was taking too long and that nobody would be interested in watching me do that for much longer. I really wanted to try on every outfit and personalize her look more though. I think I will do that in my new game.

Then, when you could hear me and I got to the house building part, I was so unfamiliar with the controls that my husband was pulling his hair out watching me. Lol! He was trying to chat to me to tell me what to do, but there is a lag so I wasn’t getting his messages right away. My phone died too, so he couldn’t even text me.

I promise I am going to study the diagrams that I saved of the controls for the PS4 controller for the sims game, so I will know what I am doing in my next broadcast.

I will tweet when I will be streaming next, so follow me on twitter if you want to join me.

Also, if you subscribe to my youtube channel and click the notification bell, you will be notified when I go live.

What do you think? Gaming for CPTSD Recovery? Why not? Let’s do this!!!

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

Poking Holes

10 Signs You Might Be Dealing With a Narcissist

  1. You feel stressed out after spending time with them, and you’re not sure why.

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2. You have conflicting feelings for them. For example, they drive you crazy, but you love them so much. poses-1367416_1280

3. You tell them something you consider good news for you, and they don’t seem pleased for you. man-1209137_1920.jpg

4. You show them something you made/wrote/created, etc and they look at it with a blank expression and don’t say anything complimentary. intense-2748227_1920.jpg

5. If you are an artist of some sort and they say your work is good, but tell you that your prices are too high and you should lower them (very low) so more people will buy them. boy-497986_1920.jpg

6. You are confused by something they have said to you, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. confused-2385799_1920 (1)

7. When they suddenly start ignoring you, or freezing you out. You can feel a difference, but they deny that anything has changed. night-968989_1920.jpg

8. They deny their bad behaviour even though you have witnessed them first hand displaying this behaviour. They will say they NEVER behaved that way.man-2854030_1920.jpg

9. You have been diagnosed with anxiety.anxiety-2902575_1920.jpg

10. When they do something to upset you, but you end up being the one to apologize.rain-1570854_1920.jpg

Here is a video that I made for my youtube channel on this topic.

10 Signs You Might Be Dealing With A Narcissist

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share your little hearts out. Every little bit helps to reach those that need it most. <3

Poking Holes

When the Narcissistic Mother Hoovers

I got a text from my narcissistic mother on Sunday. I haven’t received any communication from her for over a year because I had her blocked from my phone. Somehow, she got through anyway.

I am feeling very triggered by this. I keep catching myself getting pulled into an emotional flashback several times a day. I’m getting better at recognizing the signs before getting pulled down the rabbit hole again.

Anyhow, here is me talking about when my narcissistic mother tried to hoover me 3 days ago.

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