First of all, thank you for the follow. It is much appreciated. If you have followed me for a while, and if you haven’t already, please make sure you change your bookmark from pokingholesblog.com to cptsdwarrior.com.
I have said this before, but it seems when I write I am feeling especially distraught. Having said that, I’m not feeling that bad at present, but something is brewing. I can feel it.
I’m just going to say it. I am triggered into emotional flashbacks by my own body’s hormonal fluctuations. I don’t just get PMS. I feel like I’m on the brink of a meltdown and everything irritates me more than usual.
I feel cursed. I can’t just get a few cramps and slightly irritable or moody. No. I turn into a toddler. Wtf?
I have no idea how this turned into a blog about periods, but I’ll stop that right now. Hopefully, when I turn 50 this year, it will too.
Right. So where was I? Oh ya, I feel like and behave emotionally like a cranky child.
I can’t stand this much longer . Meditation is helping. I am seeing the benefits and realize that it is a journey I am on, so I’m not expecting perfection. I’m really pleased with the results so far, and am definitely going to continue.
I tried yoga on my wiifitplus. I really love it. I think I would do it more if I wasn’t always in my bed. Yes, that has been going on again. Its actually been going on for the longest streak I’ve observed. Since just before new year’s I’ve been spending a majority of my time in my bedroom sitting or sleeping in my bed. It’s a comfort and safety thing, I think.
I tend to be in my bed when I’m dissociative too, so that could be it.
I’m always busy though. That’s a cptsd thing. Trying to occupy my mind, distract myself from the “gnawing internal discomfort”in my guts.
I’m good though. This is my journey. Learning to love myself enough to take care of myself, when nobody taught me how.
I just don’t know why I have to be so debilitated though. Like, come on! I want to be able to work. I want to be able to concentrate. Instead, I feel like I’m just surviving sometimes.
I try to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my family turned on me and revealed their true selves to me, and I had no choice but to go no contact to protect my sanity. I still feel guilty though.
It’s been a long road. I have hope for a brighter future. I’m grateful for that.
As promised I am providing you with a downloadable copy of the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine.
This routine was made to help me reduce my symptoms of CPTSD.
If you haven’t watched the video yet where I explain how I use this checklist see the video at end of this blog post.
I have been doing most of this routine for one month now, and I am already seeing results.
The exercise and meditation alone made a big difference right off the bat.
I’m ready to up my game as far as exercise goes and add in the weight lifting and yoga. I’m excited about it and can’t wait to start seeing results.
Please let me know if you follow a similar routine and what your results have been.
I have noticed a large decrease in several of my symptoms already, so with the addition of other more specific reparenting techniques I can’t wait to see what the future holds.
So far I have noticed a large decrease in my hypervigilance, anxiety, and I believe I am experiencing fewer emotional flashbacks as a result.
To download a copy of the checklist click on the following link. (Click)
Thank you so much, and please don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments here, on my youtube channel, or on social media.
Here is the video where I talk about the CPTSD Warrior Self Care Routine. I have also provided you with links to previous videos where I talked about it as well.
Sunday, May 20th, 2018
Yesterday, the look on my husband’s face threw me into a doozy of an emotional flashback.
I was crying on the beach during our walk.
Permeating the flashback were thoughts of my dad.
Nothing specific, just kept thinking of him.
I always think that when somebody’s facial expressions put me into an emotional flashback that it is a bout my mom. I’m beginning to think it is more about my dad
My mom would often say how the look on dad’s face could change her mood instantly. She once said it made her feel shaky inside.
Laying in bed, because I was suddenly exhausted, body aches, and blurry eyes.
I felt like my heart was breaking. That was how it felt. Like I was experiencing heartbreak, and permeating that was thoughts of dad.
Then my husband came to lay in bed with me and when I snuggled up to him the smell of his aftershave made me feel like I was choking.
He was wearing Old Spice. My dad wore Old Spice.
When my husband wears it I usually have pleasant feelings.
Last night, I had to make him wash his face and neck or I couldn’t be close to him.
I’m confused because as usual I don’t have a specific visual memory to go with this feeling of having my heart broken twinged with betrayal.
The only clear memory I have of anything inappropriate with my dad I talk about in this blog post about a partial memory. It is a memory that I believe preceded sexual abuse. I don’t know this because I have a visual memory. No. But, a part of me believes that is what happened next and that is why I suddenly can’t remember any more. Because I dissociated.
It always feels like I go back on my recovery progress when this happens, but I need to realize that this is part of recovery. I am going to remember stuff. If not visually, I am sure as heck going to remember emotionally. I just need to accept that.
I love my husband so much. I know I can’t blame him for his facial expressions making me have an emotional flashback, but yesterday I did just that. I did tell my husband I was having an emotional flashback though, so he gets it. I’m very lucky to have him.
See the following video where I read this journal entry, and add a bit more commentary at the end.