I’m up and I’m down. I’m so confused.

I still wish there was something I could do to make this all go away. I think I could go to my mom and beg for her forgiveness. This would be followed by her saying I better get on some meds and go talk to a counsellor. Ya, no kidding, but would it be worth it? Would I be happier?

Can I do it? Should I do it? Will it actually help me to remember my childhood if I maintain a relationship with her? Just being around her was causing feelings of hatred towards her to well up from inside of me.

It hurts so bad. It hurts that I don’t have the good family that I thought I had.

Should I ask my mom to go to counselling with me,  so I can speak to her in a safe environment? I know if I ask her to talk now, she will want GCS there.  You know, the “sane” one.

Why didn’t I see this before?  Did she really just start treating me strangely after my dad died? Or, did I just wake up? I mean,  I called the woman my bestfriend!  I thought we were close.  I thought I was one of those lucky people that had a great relationship with both of her parents.

Where did it all head south?  And, why??? I’m almost 50! Why now???

That is where I am at today.  I miss my “happy” family.

~ Poking Holes ~