Sitting on my bed fighting the urge to climb under the covers and shut the world out.

I have so much to do, but my body won’t cooperate. I sit here with these thoughts swirling through my head, but I can’t move. I’ve been getting things done in these random spurts of energy that don’t happen nearly often enough. I had a few good hours this morning. Perhaps a rest is warranted. A few moments of safety.

Heart palpitations. I can hear it in my head. My chest feels constricted. I can’t take a full breath.

I’ve been frozen for days. It’s so hard to fight it. It’s the way I coped as a child. It’s the way most children cope with trauma inducing home environments. Since we’re too little to fight back or run away our bodies go into the freeze response.

As adults we continue with the same coping mechanisms until we notice them causing problems in our lives and learn new ones.

I’m learning new ways to cope now, but the pull of isolation is strong. It’s our instinct to avoid danger. The problem is the brain can’t tell the difference between actual danger and the body feeling like it’s in danger because of cptsd.

It’s exhausting.

Feel your butt on the bed.

Notice your breath.

You’re safe.

This is what it’s like for me when I’m in survival mode… feeling stuck.