I had this idea to create “My Authentic Life” on The Sims 4 where I would make a life based on choosing things I wouldn’t normally allow myself to choose.

I’ve played the 2 player Sims games back when they still did that. I wish they still did that. Why don’t they still do that? Now, we need 2 PlayStation 4 consoles and 2 game discs to play the game together. Lame!

Guess what hubby wants for Christmas?

That’s right. A second PlayStation 4 console.

Anyhow, I digress.

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, my expressions of individuality were often stifled. All daughters of narcissistic mothers go through this. Our mothers were incapable of real love. Instead, they manipulated and controlled our every move.

To add insult to injury, most of us still live with her in our minds, otherwise known as our inner critic. One of the nasty symptoms of cptsd that I’m working to eradicate. You can find more information about the inner critic here and here.

The cruel, totalitarian inner critic is a key distinguishing feature of Cptsd.”  Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

We were taught to believe that nobody cares what we think, that there is something wrong with us, that it’s our job to obey and respect her, and to her that meant doing things her way.

A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect.”  Karyl McBride in Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Soon, it becomes automatic to choose things that we know she would prefer, just to keep the peace. It doesn’t stop when we move away from home. Like I said, she lives on, in our mind.

So, I had this thought that I could create a life on The Sims 4 where I would choose traits that I feel are within me, but that I have suppressed because I know that my narcissistic mother would not approve.

Basically, I am going to try and create my authentic self and see what that life would be like.

I will make decisions that I would not normally make in order to try and do that.

I also want to pay attention to when I stop myself from choosing something that I want, because that is a sign that I am stifling myself based on what I know would be “acceptable”.

I also need to be aware of my sim and how she reacts to the things that I have chosen for her. You see, in choosing her attributes, I will be choosing things that I have suppressed, so I am not always going to be able to choose the right things, because I am so used to suppressing my authentic self.

I’m interested in seeing how this plays out. I know that when you choose certain attributes your sim will respond to the things they like and dislike accordingly, so if I chose something my sim wouldn’t want based on her attributes she will most likely let me know. It’s up to me to pick up on her signals.

I would like to put it out there that I am open to meeting up on the playstation network and playing The Sims 4 together. I hope somebody takes me up on this offer. My username on the playstation network is pokingholes.

The content on my youtube channel and my blog is quite heavy, so I thought this would be a fun way for you to get to know me better, in a much more casual setting, and a chance for me to socialize more.

My Hilariously Cringy (maybe just cringy) First Attempt at Live Streaming My Authentic Life on The Sims 4

My First Live Broadcast – The Sims 4

I gotta fess up. I already started this, but the attempt was so botched that I am going to go back to the beginning and start a whole new character/game.

First of all, nobody could hear me for the first 34 minutes, so my whole spiel about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and creating my authentic life, etc. cannot be heard, so I was left to try and explain it in the video description.

I also feel like I was rushing myself through creating my sim. I think I did that because I was letting it get into my head that I was taking too long and that nobody would be interested in watching me do that for much longer. I really wanted to try on every outfit and personalize her look more though. I think I will do that in my new game.

Then, when you could hear me and I got to the house building part, I was so unfamiliar with the controls that my husband was pulling his hair out watching me. Lol! He was trying to chat to me to tell me what to do, but there is a lag so I wasn’t getting his messages right away. My phone died too, so he couldn’t even text me.

I promise I am going to study the diagrams that I saved of the controls for the PS4 controller for the sims game, so I will know what I am doing in my next broadcast.

I will tweet when I will be streaming next, so follow me on twitter if you want to join me.

Also, if you subscribe to my youtube channel and click the notification bell, you will be notified when I go live.

What do you think? Gaming for CPTSD Recovery? Why not? Let’s do this!!!

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Poking Holes