I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil this weekend.

I don’t know what triggered it.

Maybe passing by my sister after not seeing her for over a year.

Maybe it’s the time of year getting to me.

I’ve been feeling detached from life, but I think that is because I have been in an emotional flashback.

I have been wanting to sleep, so I allowed myself to do that.

I slept a lot.

A lot of the time I just lay there not asleep, but not fully awake either.

It was one of my prolonged emotional flashbacks when I just want to stay in bed.

I stay home a lot as it is, but at these times I literally stay in bed.

I’m not sure why, but I feel compelled to.

I suppose I feel safe there, but I also don’t have any energy at these times.

I feel depleted and a part of me thinks that I am trying to avoid something.

Not that I have any kind of control over dissociation, but I become so triggered by my own thoughts that I stay in my room, in my bed, under the covers.

Even now as I’m typing this, I was starting to go into a trance like stare into space.

I am feeling light headed.

I have this strong feeling that something is trying to surface.

Some of my repressed memories perhaps.

The partial memories in particular.

I need to realize that these times of being in this zoned out state are times when I am overwhelmed.

I don’t have any control over my response.

I don’t choose to freeze or dissociate.

I keep trying to remember though.

I think about the partial memories and try to focus on what happens next, but I end up in a trance like state, just staring into space again.

I’m going to try

I’m floundering without a therapist.

The longer I stay away from reaching out, the harder it is to do it.

I just can’t though.

I wish my husband would take over for me and take care of me.

He now has insurance from work which will cover a psychologist, but I am hesitant.

I’m so afraid.

I don’t feel like I can trust anybody.

I feel like nobody can be trusted.

On social media, in groups for CPTSD survivors, I will reach out and then I will delete my messages.

I need support, but I shy away from it when it is offered.

I can’t control my responses.

I run on fear a lot.

I can’t even stay focused while writing this.

‘Tis the season to be triggered.

I made a video for my youtube channel on this topic. Here is the link.

~Poking Holes <3