Sunday, May 20th, 2018
Yesterday, the look on my husband’s face threw me into a doozy of an emotional flashback.
I was crying on the beach during our walk.
Permeating the flashback were thoughts of my dad.
Nothing specific, just kept thinking of him.
I always think that when somebody’s facial expressions put me into an emotional flashback that it is a bout my mom. I’m beginning to think it is more about my dad
My mom would often say how the look on dad’s face could change her mood instantly. She once said it made her feel shaky inside.
Laying in bed, because I was suddenly exhausted, body aches, and blurry eyes.
I felt like my heart was breaking. That was how it felt. Like I was experiencing heartbreak, and permeating that was thoughts of dad.
Then my husband came to lay in bed with me and when I snuggled up to him the smell of his aftershave made me feel like I was choking.
He was wearing Old Spice. My dad wore Old Spice.
When my husband wears it I usually have pleasant feelings.
Last night, I had to make him wash his face and neck or I couldn’t be close to him.
I’m confused because as usual I don’t have a specific visual memory to go with this feeling of having my heart broken twinged with betrayal.
The only clear memory I have of anything inappropriate with my dad I talk about in this blog post about a partial memory. It is a memory that I believe preceded sexual abuse. I don’t know this because I have a visual memory. No. But, a part of me believes that is what happened next and that is why I suddenly can’t remember any more. Because I dissociated.
It always feels like I go back on my recovery progress when this happens, but I need to realize that this is part of recovery. I am going to remember stuff. If not visually, I am sure as heck going to remember emotionally. I just need to accept that.
I love my husband so much. I know I can’t blame him for his facial expressions making me have an emotional flashback, but yesterday I did just that. I did tell my husband I was having an emotional flashback though, so he gets it. I’m very lucky to have him.
See the following video where I read this journal entry, and add a bit more commentary at the end.
