I’ve been creating again. I feel inspired and ready to play and make new things.

I became inspired to become creative after being away from my narcissistic family for a few years. When I lived here before I moved away I used to always say that I am not crafty at all, and that I didn’t have a crafty bone in my body. But, apparently I do.

I discovered my creative side after my youngest son was born and I found myself at home being a stay at home mom in my early 40’s. I explored and found a few different things I loved to do. I started out machine sewing, then hand sewing and embroidery, then needle felting, and finally my latest love came along, crochet.

I mostly prefer to work with natural fibers and make fiber art, but I also like to make useful accessories and put my artwork on the outside of the items as an embellishment.

My narcissistic mother did something to me when I was living in her home before the discard. I think she did this to show me how little she thought of me and to take any joy I had in something, away. I showed her something new that I had been working on. It was special to me and held cultural significance on my mother’s side of the family. I worked long and hard on it. First, I had to study a form of artwork, then I drew the design, then I transferred it to fabric, and cut it out. When I showed it to her it was the design cut out and laid over a piece of cloth that I would use to make the accessory I would later attach the artwork to. 

She actually almost sneered at it and  then turned her nose up at it. She didn’t say anything. No compliments, like she had in the past with my creations. I know now that was because she wanted one of the items she was complimenting. It’s always about them.

I slowly stopped creating after I got here. Not completely, but the longer I was in that house, the more I just tried to escape into my phone playing angry birds. It was repetitive and it occupied my mind and keep me from feeling all the emotions that were coming up from living back in my childhood home.

I did some sewing in the beginning, a bit of needle felting at Christmas, but after I moved out of that house was when I learned how to crochet by watching youtube video tutorials. After my son went to school I would sit and crochet for hours, practicing over and over to make it look good.

Crochet became a form of meditation for me. It kept me present and out of my head, at times when I was so hypervigilant and anxious. It really was like medicine for me.

I still love to crochet. I just made a bunch of crochet items and I am currently working on embellishing them in many different ways. I am having so much fun and it feels good to have my inner child feeling safe enough to come out and play for a change.

What I’m doing is needle felting landscape pictures on crocheted items using wool roving. I’ve made a few items like this and I really enjoy it. I’ve never felt like I could draw or paint, but somehow I can poke these bits of wool into fabric and make a work of art.

I’m so glad my inner child is feeling safe to come out and play. I’m off to do just that.

Do you do any crafts? Is it new to you since you went no contact with your narcissistic family? I feel like my artistic abilities were silenced while I was in contact with them. I was not allowed to be special in any way. The only way I was allowed to be special is the label they gave me, and that was that I was the baby girl of the family. I’m not comfortable playing the helpless baby girl part any longer.

This empowered warrior queen is going to needle felt a badass landscape onto a wool pouch now.

Not only is it fun, it is also good for me and my self care.

Peace & Love to all. (I may update this with a picture of one of my creations)

PH