Hi all,

First of all, thank you for the follow. It is much appreciated. If you have followed me for a while, and if you haven’t already, please make sure you change your bookmark from pokingholesblog.com to cptsdwarrior.com.

I have said this before, but it seems when I write I am feeling especially distraught. Having said that, I’m not feeling that bad at present, but something is brewing. I can feel it.

I’m just going to say it. I am triggered into emotional flashbacks by my own body’s hormonal fluctuations. I don’t just get PMS. I feel like I’m on the brink of a meltdown and everything irritates me more than usual.

I feel cursed. I can’t just get a few cramps and slightly irritable or moody. No. I turn into a toddler. Wtf?

I have no idea how this turned into a blog about periods, but I’ll stop that right now. Hopefully, when I turn 50 this year, it will too.

Right. So where was I? Oh ya, I feel like and behave emotionally like a cranky child.

I can’t stand this much longer . Meditation is helping. I am seeing the benefits and realize that it is a journey I am on, so I’m not expecting perfection. I’m really pleased with the results so far, and am definitely going to continue.

I tried yoga on my wiifitplus. I really love it. I think I would do it more if I wasn’t always in my bed. Yes, that has been going on again. Its actually been going on for the longest streak I’ve observed. Since just before new year’s I’ve been spending a majority of my time in my bedroom sitting or sleeping in my bed. It’s a comfort and safety thing, I think.

I tend to be in my bed when I’m dissociative too, so that could be it.

I’m always busy though. That’s a cptsd thing. Trying to occupy my mind, distract myself from the “gnawing internal discomfort”in my guts.

I’m good though. This is my journey. Learning to love myself enough to take care of myself, when nobody taught me how.

I just don’t know why I have to be so debilitated though. Like, come on! I want to be able to work. I want to be able to concentrate. Instead, I feel like I’m just surviving sometimes.

I try to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my family turned on me and revealed their true selves to me, and I had no choice but to go no contact to protect my sanity. I still feel guilty though.

It’s been a long road. I have hope for a brighter future. I’m grateful for that.