I keep having these thoughts that I need to stop obsessing over my family. Then I remind myself that I’m not obsessing, I have Complex PTSD (cptsd).

The nature of cptsd is that our traumatic past keeps a hold on us, not the other way around. It’s not that we can’t let go of the past, but the past won’t let go of us due to the trauma we endured in our developmental years.

I’m constantly analyzing how I am doing. Why I was triggered, or why something triggered me. Whether it was that I didn’t get enough sleep, or if it was a typical trigger that I already know about. Sometimes I get blindsided too.

The thing I am working on now is not becoming the emotions that come up. I can feel them, acknowledge them, figure out what brought them on, but I need to work on not expressing them. Especially because the feelings that are coming up during an emotional flashback are from the past and are not about something from the present.

This isn’t always easy, for many reasons. First, I don’t always know I am triggered until it is too late. I’m getting better, but I don’t always catch myself in time. Second, even though I may know I am triggered it’s not always easy to stop myself from expressing the emotions because sometimes I feel that the present situation that triggered me warrants the emotion. This is because I am in an emotional flashback already and it can be hard to distinguish.

This is what cptsd does to us. The flashbacks keep coming back, so we must learn how to deal with them.

Feel the feelings, but don’t become them.

Peace and love to all.