A lot of my struggles are from complicated grief from going no contact with my narcissistic mother and 5 siblings.

The decision to go no contact wasn’t done lightly & was the hardest, yet most necessary, thing I’ve ever done in my life.

It’s a deeply sad thing to learn that your own mother doesn’t love you and that nothing you do will ever change that. Then to realize that she is using your children to manipulate you.

I love my mother.  I still cry over how I must be hurting her feelings, so I try not to think about it. I’m crying now as I write this. #stockholmsyndrome

It’s time to think about it though. It’s time to feel all of that and process the things I’m still holding onto.

In the 6 years since we moved back to my hometown so I could be closer to my family, I’ve gone from believing I had a loving normal family, to realizing my mother is a narcissist, to being 5 years no contact with my entire family of origin and most of my nieces, nephews, aunts & uncles.

I am basically an orphan by choice. Even the thought of being around any of my family triggers me badly. If I happen to see pictures on Facebook I end up in bed in freeze response for days.

I’ve been like that since I saw my mother at the doctor’s office in December before Christmas.

I’ve left the house less than a handful of times since that happened. I never went to one store to Christmas shop. I did it all online and only shopped at local places that had online shopping set up with pick up and delivery. A definite first for me. My husband does all of the grocery shopping and has been for years, even before covid. I’m too afraid of running into my family, because the aftermath is so bad.

I’m doing everything I can to get myself out of this freeze response and heal my trauma, but at the same time I have to do what’s best for me & sometimes that is to listen to my exhausted body and just rest.

It does get better. I promise. ❤