As a child growing up in a dysfunctional home with a narcissistic parent, I learned early on that it wasn’t safe to speak up about the things that went on in my home.
I learned by seeing what happened to my siblings when they spoke up. They were bullied by our mother. They were our example of what would happen if you talk. They are the scapegoat children of the family.
We all experienced it at one time or another though. It was what was used to keep us in line. The scapegoat role was not a fixed role. It depended on you. Whether you were speaking up about the way you were being mistreated, or keeping quiet. That was the deciding factor on whether you received “love” in my family.
The main tactic of the bully in these situations was isolation. Isolation from everyone, both physical and emotional. Everybody kept away from you, because that is what the head bully wanted, but also they were afraid if they associated with you the bully would target them as well. It’s a typical bully story, only it’s my family and the head bully was/is my mother.
No child wants to be left out. That is what happened in my dysfunctional family to teach you a lesson. You either kept quiet or were incessantly bullied by the one person who is meant to cherish and protect you.
Isolation, physical abuse, verbal abuse, contempt. All of this just for doing what comes natural. Just for standing up and saying things aren’t right around here.
As a grown up I struggle when telling my story because it still feels like I am betraying my family.
After almost every therapy session where I have spoken about something that traumatized me, I get horrible emotional flashbacks. I almost double over from the ferocity. Overwhelming feelings of being bad, like I’ve done something bad, like I have to do something to fix things, and that I need to hide.
At times like these, I have to remind myself that I am safe, that they (the whole family, not just mom) can’t hurt me, that I am an adult and that I am allowed to speak about what happened to me as a child.
My life depends on it really. I feel like I’m stuck otherwise. Stuck feeling afraid, stuck isolating myself from the world because if my own family can betray me like they have, who else can I trust?
Thankfully, I’ve been able to trust a few people so that I can heal. I speak to a therapist weekly for talk therapy and trauma informed support. I am seeing an EMDR therapist weekly, where I am processing the most traumatic memories and conquering the beliefs I have about myself because of being treated like that by people who should have been protecting me. I’m also seeing a psychiatrist who has confirmed I am a childhood trauma survivor and don’t just have anxiety and depression.
If you are a survivor of childhood trauma and you are reading this I want you to know, it is okay, and you are allowed to talk.
Peace and Love ✌❤
Poking Holes
